I gave up on new years resolutions many years ago and began picking a word to serve me for the year. I have had words like BE, Yes, Shalom and last year was fitness as in physical, financial and spiritual. I did fair last year. I had a cyst taken from my spine so I count that even if it was Doctor doing the work.
I knew before the first day of this year that the voices within were pointing me toward forgiveness. Forgiveness, as in, just open up your hands or your heart and let go... sounds so damned easy doesn't it. Just let it go. But where does one really begin?
Today I am learning that I must name those gremlins. I must voice how they hurt when they prod and what that hurt is. I must give voice to that ache I feel and then in calling it by name I can release it forward to God. I can then open my hand and let it go but first I must actively put it into my hands. I must hold it, I must feel its sharp edges and yucky, sticky, seering pain. I must look at it within my hands, no more hiding my eyes or pretending that I am really ok as I am. I must step up to the task and do some soul clearing this year.
Forgiveness is... giving up the hope that the past could have been any different~ Oprah
"People have to forgive. We don't have to like them, we don't have to be friends with them. We don't have to send them hearts in text messages, but we have to forgive them, to overlook, to forget. Because if we don't we are tying rocks to our feet, too much for our wings to carry." C JoyBell C.
I had two things happen to me this week that made me very sad. My post about it on facebook said something like: So far this week has been hell, someone backed into my 4Runner causing extensive damage and someone backed over my heart and I am not sure it is salvageable.
My sweetie reminded me that the car will be fine. That is why I have insurance. Wisely, he didn't tell me not to hurt over it but to simply remind me that things can be made right.
As for my heart, there again he did not tell me not to be hurt. He could read the pain I was feeling. It was a very tangible pain. I was holding it in my hands. I was turning it over and looking it in the eyes and I realized that there were strings running from that pain back to my heart. As I would pull at one of the strings another pain would slip out and clunk at my feet demanding my attention. Now not only did I need to forgive those who I saw as hurting me, I also had to forgive myself for pain that I had cause others in the past, pain that ultimately I carried with me for so many years. Here again, within my hands is the ability to make things right, to just let it go.
This year is about learning to untie the rocks from my feet and learning to let my wings carry me where they will. This is the year I want to learn to soar.