I am a woman searching for my inner goddess and using fabrics, words and photography as my road map. I find great comfort and order in my creative efforts and hope that in sharing them you find a peace also. Welcome and Be Blessed!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Praying for Wings

"When you reach the end of all the lightness that you know
And are about to step over into darkness…
Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen.
Either there will be something solid there to step onto
Or you will be taught to fly."
Author Unknown

My last post was written in haste and frustration. I must explain that at this time my Mom is still alive - at least in medical terms she is still among the living. She suffered a severe heart attack last Saturday afternoon. Apparently she had been having pains for a couple days and although she knew what was going on she would not go to the hospital. Over the past 4 years my Mom has developed bone marrow cancer, had a major stroke, had couple major back surgeries, lived in constant pain and earlier this year she had her first heart attack. So my Mom knew and understood what the pains meant.

For the past two years I have come to visit her each Christmas and sat with my sister and listened to the painful details of all the arrangements that have been made for when she and my stepfather pass on. Not a thing a child wants to think on but I was proud of the fact that they had it down to the last details. My Mom has a living will. She has stated that she does not want to be resuscitated. There are to be no heroic measures taken with her life. She had just been regaining the courage to drive distances again. After her stroke she did not drive for almost 3 years but because my stepfather is unable to drive anymore as he can no longer see.

My Mother has stated her wishes. The doctor has told my sister and my stepfather that Moms heart is so affected that there is nothing left to fix if she were strong enough to handle it. Actually they told us that after her first heart attack and yet she is still here. My Mom is laying in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes and a machines that are acting as her heart and her lungs and with each cycle they seem to be whispering a hope and a prayer from a man who is now defying my Moms wishes because he is not ready to let her go. Only my stepfather has the say whether my Mom lives or they take out the tube and let her breath or not on her own.

My stepfather, who himself has lung and liver cancer, sat and pondered what he should do about his wife with his 2 children yesterday afternoon. I was within hearing distance as was my sister but we were not invited to join the conversation. He sat there and told them that when it is his turn there is to be no discussion about what his wishes are- there is to be no plug to pull so to speak. He understands what his living will states.

In an hour I will leave to go back to the hospital and stand at the bedside of the woman who gave me life and taught me to live it to the fullest. I am so confused now Mom. Do I continue to remain silent " for the sake of the family" which is rapidly being torn apart over this, or do I stand up and state my position and do what I believe your wishes truly are?

Today I must step out in the faith that what I am about to do is the right thing- I am just not sure yet what that is. Please pray for me to have discernment, wisdom and God's Grace as I move into this day. I believe I am stepping into a point of no return and I want to do what ever it is that the Lord desires of me and nothing more.

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I believe that things can always be cured with a hug and a cup of tea, fixed with either a needle and thread, duct tape, WD40 or coke, and that prayer works every time. I take in strays whether in animal or childlike form. I have been mother to many for a time and this is my way of keeping up with some of those straying children that I miss. I appreciate shock value and use it often to remind people that the world is round and colorful and we are not all living in square brown cardboard boxes with little holes cut in for windows. Look for the warm fuzzies- God delivers them up fresh every day just to say- I think you are pretty darned special- so special that I have your picture up on my fridge for life and I am sending you a hug to remind you that you matter to me.

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