I am a woman searching for my inner goddess and using fabrics, words and photography as my road map. I find great comfort and order in my creative efforts and hope that in sharing them you find a peace also. Welcome and Be Blessed!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Who Am I?

I have been undergoing weekly treatments for the removal of powerful toxins within my body. It involves computer analysis of my cellular energy and then using Laser Energetic Detoxification (LED), ie. a laser that is swept across the body and is supposed to help the body release the toxins at a much faster rate. I can't say that I feel any better yet but then my body, being rather greedy in makeup, doesn't want to let go of anything easily. One of the interesting things they have discovered along the way is that somehow as your body is exposed to these toxins and chooses to hold on to them emotions somehow get connected. Yes, this all sounds like hocus pocus- and maybe it is but... I wanna feel better.......

I have been going through a very interesting array of emotions- almost bipolar in many ways but by the next day, sometimes the next hour, I am feeling something different. They say this is part of the healing. Yesterday was a big day of healing for me.

The Daughter and I had plans set up for Tues. and they were thwarted. It was sorta like a snow day when you are in elementary. Play day!!! Wednesday we were going to make up the lost Tuesday only once again my plans were thrown out the window in favor of my husbands. I normally find this aggravating and/or frustrating, but I always make do with whatever changes arise. Yesterday was different. I got angry. I get really really angry. OK, you are thinking things like: so what, big deal, you should have. You must understand that I don't do anger. Over the course of my many years on earth I have developed my own mechanisms to not be angry. Mostly, I accept things as my fault. I somehow caused this situation. Other times I am disappointed or frustrated, but I don't get angry. There is a place in my life for righteous anger and I have that- mess with one of my kids and you will get it, but for me to be angry over something involving me- it just doesn't happen, at least not until yesterday.

I went to the job with the hubby and sat very quietly so as not to say the wrong thing. I helped him begin the work that needed to be done and while he was busy doing his thing I had time to sit and ponder. It was 20 degrees out, I was standing in the open, snow was falling all around me, I could hear the running of the water into the pond beside me, I could hear the flakes of snow landing on my sleeves, and in that quiet moment I could hear that little voice called me. It was scared of this new emotion it was feeling. I was reminded of the words to a song " why must you be angry all the time" and then I actually understood what I was feeling. Strange that is was so foreign to me that I could not even recognize it. I just knew that I didn't like it at all.

In that quiet hollow, sitting on bags of hydrated lime, nose cold, my eyes tearing up, I called out to the only one who could hear me. " Lord, I don't like this emotion. I don't know how to deal with it. Will you please help me to know how to handle it." I had been looking down toward my feet, not really focused but then I saw it- right there among the snow and the footprints and the lime, in that spot that the hubby and I had stomped again and again, there lay two weed stems forming a perfect cross. My answer was clear as if the Lord had spoken it. "Susan, take it to the cross." Then and there, in a place I didn't want to be, doing a job I didn't want to do, my healing began.

I was reminded of these words to another song by Counting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

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I believe that things can always be cured with a hug and a cup of tea, fixed with either a needle and thread, duct tape, WD40 or coke, and that prayer works every time. I take in strays whether in animal or childlike form. I have been mother to many for a time and this is my way of keeping up with some of those straying children that I miss. I appreciate shock value and use it often to remind people that the world is round and colorful and we are not all living in square brown cardboard boxes with little holes cut in for windows. Look for the warm fuzzies- God delivers them up fresh every day just to say- I think you are pretty darned special- so special that I have your picture up on my fridge for life and I am sending you a hug to remind you that you matter to me.

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