Shaking off the Dust

It has been so long since I have posted anything it took me hours to remember how to get onto my own webpage.  I am years behind on putting words to emotions and giving name to the gremlins that have poked and prodded and tried to drag me down.

I gave up on new years resolutions many years ago and began picking a word to serve me for the year. I have had words like BE, Yes, Shalom and last year was fitness as in physical, financial and spiritual. I did fair last year. I had a cyst taken from my spine so I count that even if it was  Doctor doing the work.

I knew before the first day of this year that the voices within were pointing me toward forgiveness. Forgiveness, as in, just open up your hands or your heart and let go... sounds so damned easy doesn't it. Just let it go. But where does one really begin?

Today I am learning that I must name those gremlins. I must voice how they hurt when they prod and what that hurt is. I must give voice to that ache I feel and then in calling it by name I can release it forward to God. I can then open my hand and let it go but first I must actively put it into my hands. I must hold it, I must feel its sharp edges and yucky, sticky, seering pain. I must look at it within my hands, no more hiding my eyes or pretending that I am really ok as I am. I must step up to the task and do some soul clearing this year.

Forgiveness is... giving up the hope that the past could have been any different~ Oprah

"People have to forgive. We don't have to like them, we don't have to be friends with them. We don't have to send them hearts in text messages, but we have to forgive them, to overlook, to forget. Because if we don't we are tying rocks to our feet, too much for our wings to carry." C JoyBell C.

I had two things happen to me this week that made me very sad.  My post about it on facebook said something like: So far this week has been hell, someone backed into my 4Runner causing extensive damage and someone backed over my heart and I am not sure it is salvageable.

My sweetie reminded me that the car will be fine. That is why I have insurance. Wisely, he didn't tell me not to hurt over it but to simply remind me that things can be made right.

As for my heart, there again he did not tell me not to be hurt. He could read the pain I was feeling. It was a very tangible pain. I was holding it in my hands. I was turning it over and looking it in the eyes and I realized that there were strings running from that pain back to my heart. As I would pull at one of the strings another pain would slip out and clunk at my feet demanding my attention. Now not only did I need to forgive those who I saw as hurting me, I also had to forgive myself for pain that I had cause others in the past, pain that ultimately I carried with me for so many years. Here again, within my hands is the ability to make things right, to just let it go.

This year is about learning to untie the rocks from my feet and learning to let my wings carry me where they will. This is the year I want to learn to soar. 

Its Been 14 Years Since I Heard My Baby’s Voice

The first day of spring is the anniversary of the last time I held my Daughter Jessica. I have been posting about this every anniversary since I began blogging. This year I was at the NASCAR race in Bristol. I spent a good deal of time thinking about her. As a matter of fact, for about a week before the first day of spring I am totally out of sorts. My DNA remembers about Jessica’s last week before I do but this year I was just too busy to write about my baby.

I was going to let it pass without writing but I saw a part in Corinne Corinne where the little girl Molly is taking to her dad about not remembering how her dead mom sounded or how she smelled. Time takes those things away from us. There are just so many things that I can no longer remember about Jessie Bear but I will always remember how gentle her spirit was and how soft her voice was and how she didn’t know what a bad day was or how to be disabled- she was a true angel on this earth.

As I was driving today I followed a license plate Jes3ica and I knew that my baby was telling me that she is ok. No doubt she found angel wings big enough to carry her home.  Happy New Birth Day to you Jessie Bear. I love you!

Please click below to hear the song that perhaps most reminds me of Jessie's last days.

Its Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

The weather in SWVA has not been very helpful for my moving into my new home. It is difficult to keep a positive attitude when I watch the weather maps and realize I am currently paying to heat two houses. I am waiting for the underpinning to be put up and then we can turn the water on. At that point we can build the walkway and porch to the front door. With no walkway and all the rain we have had I am walking on wobbly slippery boards to get to the door.

I visit as often as I can and take another load of small stuff. It is supposed to get really cold this coming week and if we can skip the snow I should be able to get Maxine, my long arm quilting machine, into the house and if its not too cold for my movers maybe I can get some of my other bigger furniture in.

Here is a look into my new home.

 

 

When you first walk in and look left you see my living room with this wonderful fireplace. They will be installing gas logs at the end of the month. I can’t wait.

 

 

This is the view of my kitchen area from the front door.

 

 

I love my kitchen so very much and I love how open it is to the dining area and the living room. I believe the kitchen is the heart of a home and my heart is wide open.

 

From the kitchen area to my dining area. The door in the back leads to my laundry room and the back door. The 3 windows overlook a really great back yard. One day I will have a nice big deck out there. Please ignore the buckets and stuff in the forefront. That is my pile of painting supplies.  Down the hallway to the right is the second bathroom, a guest bedroom with a huge walk-in closet and the door that leads into the bedroom which I turned into my sewing studio.

This is the view from back near the fireplace to the back of my studio area. I had to have the wall between the bedroom and the study removed and since it was a weight baring wall I suggested that they replicate the archway near the front door. It was a wonderful solution. Maxine will have to stick through the archway from the back room about a foot into the study area. I am planning on getting a couple wall dividers to block the view off for those wildly creative times when its a mess. I am thinking that the ones that have picture frames on them will be a great way to display some of my great photos.

and another view of my studio.  There is a place in the carpet that will need a threshold for now as that is where they took out the wall. Eventually I hope to have Pergo or hardwood flooring in both of these rooms but that is for another time. For now I just want to get moved in and get Maxine cranked up.

My master bedroom is behind the wall with the fireplace. This is the hallway to the bathroom. To the left in the middle is an area with built in cupboards surrounding a window with a settee under it. To the right is a very large walk in closet which was just painted a great yellow color- one of those colors that will smack you in the face and say Good Morning and Have a very sunny day! I love it. You can see my big tub at the end. There are two sinks in this room, one to the left and one to the right and then a second room there with a great shower and the toilet.

 

I am very blessed to have such an amazing home. It measures 68 X 32, or  2176 sq foot and all on one floor. One of these days soon I will be moved in and I will begin working on my next big wonderful dream since this one is coming true.

Super-kitties to the Rescue

I am busy trying to get packed up and moved into my new home. The rain is falling which means mud- lots of mud. I was to have my new washer and dryer and gas range delivered this morning before the rain but….. it rained.  I called Sears and explained that there was just too much mud. This also means too much mud for me to be moving things in.

Yesterday they delivered the wrong block for my underpinning. Today they replaced the wrong block with the right block. The drivers penance for this was that the sky burst open just before he arrived and he had no rain coat.

I have a temporary water line hooked up to my house. My septic is still waiting final so bath for me yet. Ah that big tub still beckons me but I must wait a bit longer.

There is much to paint, much to pack, much to plan, and just when I am ready to cloud up and rain a bit myself I notice my cats are not keeping me company in all this anxiety and frustration and grrrring. They are no where to be found… well almost.

My wonder-kitties once again reminded me to chill out and take a nap. It is always good for the soul.

Walking in Blessings

I have chosen to make a new life in Wise Virginia. Not a move that was comfortable or understood by many in my tribe. Through the course of beginning this new life I have learned many things about Susan. Many of these things might have been obvious to those who knew me but they were things that I needed to learn one more time so that this time around I might finally get them. 

One of the big lessons I learned is that I truly do have value. I am worth more then just being someone's wife, someone's mother. I have value and worth and as such I am deserving of those things that I dream about. I am now watching a huge dream come true and it is so delicious to think about the reality of this dream and know that I chose to fulfill my dreams and not settle. Good enough is just not good enough. With that said I present this:  just a small vision of my dream coming true.

Soon there will be a porch leading up to my front door.

 

The back will host a really big porch. I figure I will spend many wondrous hours on my back porch.

I have amazing huge rocks forming a natural garden below my house, and room for some great trees and flowers and veggies.

Not the best photo but it is from the living room area facing the study. The study had a solid wall separating it from a bedroom further back. I had the wall taken out and asked that they replicate the original archway that leads into the study.

 

Because the back bedroom was not quite big enough for my quilting machine Maxine I needed to come up with a different solution. She should fit perfectly in this archway.

 

Now I have the studio of my dreams. Can’t wait to share my kitchen with you. That was the reason I just had to have this particular house. The process of getting this house has been such a walk of faith and a step of courage for me. I am forever changed because of what I am learning about myself. Now that this part of my dream is coming true it is time for me to focus on the next couple steps into my future.  I can’t wait to see what comes next as I have learned that I am truly walking in blessings. Yes, it is good to be me.

My Second Blooming

"I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming... suddenly you find - at
the age of 50, say - that a whole new life has opened before you." Agatha Christie

 

I love the above quote and believe this is exactly where my life is at now that I have turned 50. I look forward expectantly for only good things to follow through the rest of my days.  Here is where I plan on spending most of those days and nights.

 

Preparing a place for my new home.

 

Digging for the septic.

 

 

Footers are dug.

 

Footers are being poured.

 

The back half of my house turning into lot.

 

Shew, the first half is safe.

 

And now for the second half. After delivering the first half one of the workers walked past me, said I will see you after Thanksgiving with the rest of your house and drove away. I was a bit worried.

 

Why sure it will fit… at least I think so.

 

 

Um, do you think she will notice if we leave it like this???

 

 

I always wanted a white house with kelly green shutters and now I have one. Can’t wait to show the inside but first I have to talk to some guys about this pretty wide chiasm between my kitchen and my living room.

Mothers and Daughters

"If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging." — Diane Loomans

 

 

This is how I tried to raise my two daughters. Not always an easy task but that is why there will always be the faint color of yellow paint shadows on the white fridge and why some of the copper bottom pans have dings. I would do it this way all over again even though I realize today it was my daughters who taught me self esteem and me how to watch more carefully. I miss my daughters more then they will ever know.